To tell the truth this weekend I was handed a few hits that really made me stop and think, but also I was handed with some truths and reassurance. Friday I just worked at the other daycare. It was interesting, very different from the other daycare but decent. It seems everywhere I go I am reminded that I am NOT like most people. Simple things that people don't even think about. Example; being offered a cookie, well most people wouldn't think twice before shoving their hand into a basket of cookies but obviously I can't just do that right now, and even if I was allowed too I have to think about the consequences of eating the cookie.
On Saturday I visited Fanshawe since I will be going there in September. It was a lot of fun, and I am super excited to go to Fanshawe! Clinton asked if I wanted to go to the movies, and I also suggested going out for dinner. This would be the first time I went out for dinner since I was diagnosed and I was really excited to figure out what I could eat and just feel like it's back to normal again. The movie was good, 'I love you Man' once again I was reminded that unlike any other time I went to the movies, I couldn't have the popcorn or candy. Instead I was treated to a bottle of diet coke. I tried to ignor the people around me shoving the popcorn down their throats and throwing back m&ms down their throats and I kept saying to myself, "Hey, at least you're not gaining any weight."
After the movies, I picked Swiss Chalet to go to. We parked, my stomach was growling, and I was excited to be able to eat out. I knew that the only way right now that I could eat out was if they had their nutrition guide of their menu. Since I am not comfortable with guessing how many carbs are in specific stuff, I need this tool. I asked for a guide, while Clinton put our name on the list. Of course the girl comes back telling me they don't have a guide, so we had to cancel and walk out, hungry.I felt horrible, not only could I not eat but neither could Clinton. As soon as we got in the car I couldn't help but cry. The realization that I can't just walk into Swiss Chalet, in fact anywhere, and sit down and eat drove me nuts. I KNOW, that eventually this will be okay, that I will be able to eat anything I want, go anywhere I please, but I am talking about now. Right now, it's hard to be the person I was for almost nineteen years because that person didn't have these restrictions. It hit me that night, I just fell absolutely apart.
I honestly try to be the strongest person I can be but sometimes I just can't fight that fact that my life is going to be different. I am going to do everything I can to make the best of my life, the best of diabetes. I want to make a difference, I want to find a cure, I want to be someone that can help and mentor those who felt the way I did that night when I just couldn't hold it in anymore.If I can't inspire myself then I won't go anywhere with this. I know that there will be times when I can't handle it, when I struggle and hurt but no matter what I am promising not only myself but everyone who cares about me, I will be inspired. I don't know if everyone believes everything happens for a reason, but I had a conversation with Clinton that made me believe. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him. He has helped me so much, he seems to always know what to say, when and when not to say something. It's unbelievable.
Kayla
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